Breathe Before You Send: A Better Way to Handle Heated Emails

How to protect your brand, your relationships, and your sanity — one email at a time.

We’ve all been there. You open your inbox and there’s an email staring back at you and your hair is instantly on fire. Before you know it, you’re typing out a reply that’s so righteous it may actually burn the screen. You know you’re right – you couldn’t be more right – and you know it’d feel so good to send it off.

For the love of god, your sanity and blood pressure – do not send that email.

Really, just don’t do it.

That Email Says More About You Than You Think

When we email angry, we aren’t at our best. We’re clouded by emotion and can’t see clearly. In all my years advising executives, leading teams and companies and cleaning up after too many digital disasters to count, that email doesn’t solve any problem. It becomes the problem and it will never go away no matter how hard you try.

What does that email really say about you? It says that you’re not in control. It says you escalate instead of de-escalate. It makes people worry about how you’ll respond to a less-than-ideal situation. In the professional world – and frankly, in life – those are not things you want people to associate with your name.

Take a Beat (Or Maybe Ten)

My friend Callie O’Neill, a brilliant online community manager, eloquently says that we need to take a beat. I say take your hands off the keyboard, stand up, walk around, get a glass of water, but most importantly take a deep breath. Do almost anything but type out an email that may come to haunt you for a long long time.

Science backs this up. Deep breathing activates your prefrontal cortex – the logical, decision-making part of your brain. This simple act of stepping away for a moment actually helps you make better choices. It gives you clarity, wisdom and a much better shot at a response you won’t regret five minutes or days later.

Take It Off Email

If the topic is too hot for the inbox, suggest a conversation. Say, “I see your email. I’d like to talk through it in person or over the phone whenever works best for you.” That simple pivot can completely change the temperature.

Tone gets lost in text – even with people you know the most. A real-time conversation can clear up misunderstandings, humanize the conflict and lead to a quicker resolution. And once you’ve resolved things? Then summarize it in a cool, calm and collected email. “Thanks for meeting with me. I’m glad we were able to talk through it.” That shows maturity, professionalism and leadership.

Remember: Email. Lives. Forever.

Email is never just between two people. You don’t know who else may see, forward, save or screenshot it. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. Your words reflect your brand, whether you like it or not. Choose them wisely. And don’t forget: even deleted emails can come back in legal discovery! Think twice.

Final Word: Be the De-Escalator

Emailing angry says you're not in control. Responding with calm says you are. Choose to be the person who dials it down, not turns up the heat. Your brand—and your relationships—will thank you for it.

Don’t let being right get in the way of doing what’s right.

And when in doubt? Write the angry draft. Save it. Breathe. Then write the version you’ll be proud of later.